The two most asked questions I’ve gotten this week are:

How are you feeling?

and

How are you doing emotionally?

Physically, every day is different. Generally, I seem to be following the same pattern as before. The first week is the worst with the nausea and then the extreme hunger from the steroids. When those finally improve, the mouth sores make an appearance as if to say, “Don’t forget about us!” One dose of Magic Swizzle seems to do the trick.

Next comes the headaches/migraines and terrible stomach aches. Last time, I had a full on migraine for at least five days. This time it’s either a headache or a slight migraine. So, some improvement?

Throughout it all of course is the fatigue, which varies in its intensity.

Today? I have a headache, constantly watering eyes, and am tired.

But I’m definitely appreciating the benefits of not having hair: quick showers, a quick morning routine, not needing to shave, and no bad hair days. Everyone who has seen me bald agrees that it looks good. Apparently I have a nice shaped head – who knew?

Today was also my annual dermatology check-up. I figure if I have skin cancer, it’s being zapped by the chemo, but I kept the appointment to make sure nothing is developing (all clear!) and to ask the doctor a slew of questions, like what to use for the rash on my scalp, etc.

As for how I’m doing emotionally, that’s a complex answer. It still feels surreal that I have breast cancer and that this is my new reality. Now that I’m recognizing patterns following treatment, it makes me dread the next one more, knowing what’s to come. And I’ve seen things that make me worried for the second regimen (with Taxol). But each treatment, of course, brings me closer to being done. What else am I going to do? I have to get through this; I have no choice. It’s just frustrating that I’m getting all the side effects when so many people I know barely have any!

I’m still struggling with finding head coverings I like, which affects my mood. I got some slouchy beanies last week, but they too don’t look great. Samara says I look like a hipster who smokes weed. Which for the record, I’m not (says this Gen Xer)! I found a video that shows different headscarf styles and found two that might do. Of course the scarves I have aren’t the right size (too long, too big, etc), so I wasted too much time online trying to find suitable options. One problem with scarves is if I nap, I have to undo and redo all the work.

I also realized one thing this past week: Having breast cancer during COVID is its own punishment. If it wasn’t for the pandemic, I would still be cautious and take the proper precautions when my WBC levels are lowest. But because of COVID, I have to be even more careful. It’s not just about getting COVID (though of course that’s scary too, as someone who is immunocompromised and gets all the weird and lasting side effects of everything!). Remember, if my temperature gets above 100, I have to call them and likely go to the hospital due to the current drugs I’m on.

In normal times, for example, I’d have regular visitors. The socialization would be a good distraction and help pass the time.

Earlier this week, two long-time dear friends passed through Pittsburgh on their way back from Nashville — the trip I cancelled. Due to one attendee testing positive the morning we were going to meet up outside, we settled for a half an hour visit through my closed front door. Thankfully we’re all good lipreaders!

My in-laws are coming to see us, and my parents are coming for my third treatment. Whenever close family visits, we ask them to curtail any social activities at least a week prior and be extra careful about exposure. They also test the day of arrival.

For the most part, I’ve been sticking close to home. However, even the voracious reader that I am can’t read all day. Last Sunday, I did all the things to amuse myself, and then couldn’t take anymore. Boredom reared its ugly head. Thinking about the months of this in front of me, makes me depressed.

But this is just half the battle. The other is assuming I even feel up for socializing or venturing beyond my driveway.

Thankfully next week, if past experience is any indication, I’ll be feeling better and my WBC levels shouldn’t be at their lowest. So I’m hoping to go to two book club discussions (with my mask on, of course).